The Egocentric Youngster

Have you ever felt angry not knowing what you’re angry about? Have you ever felt that anything just makes you sick? Have you ever felt as if you’re being eaten away? Have you ever felt like you’re going to explode? If you never felt that way, it’s very unlikely that you would understand anything I’m going tell you now. I’ve been feeling angsty for..., well, for the past year. Not teenage-reject-angsty-kind of-type, it’s more like a Radiohead-maniac-angsty-kind of-type since I listen their songs everyday for the past year. I feel like I can really relate myself to the songs, the situations and the feelings which they portray.

One of my recent favorite song (that is, the song which I play on my MP3 player all day long if I have the chance to, the one I keep on humming, and the one I make reference to) is Stop Whispering, which not so “recent” in terms of the date of release since it was released in 1992. The things that keep running on my mind every time I hear the song are these: grown-ups (I don’t consider myself as a grown-up although I’m 22) preach all the times, they think they’re so wise that they never listen to younger people, young people (I consider myself as one of them) feel uneasy about a lot of things yet never bother to speak out their minds because it’s useless nobody listens anyway. Interestingly, the songs that I enjoy the most at recent time, the ones which seem to mirror my feelings, are those with similar sense as Stop Whispering. They all have somewhat egocentric theme, such as Million Dollar Question, Lurgee, Burning Out, Long View, etc. The funny thing is the songs were written when Thom Yorke and Billy Joe Armstrong were in their early twenties, just like me at this moment. God knows what’s inside their head when they wrote the lyrics. Could it be that my thoughts on the song isn’t so much different from what they had in mind when they wrote it?

As human, we couldn’t live alone. Unless you’re stranded in a remote island like Robinson Crusoe, it’s very unlikely that you would voluntarily choose to live alone (not only in a sense of distancing yourself from others, but also providing all your needs by yourself). We’ve always been a member of society ever since we’re born to this world. Hence, our everyday struggle for acceptance. Dressing up according to the latest trends, studying hard in order to get good marks, sucking up to your superior, those are just a few examples. People’s opinion DOES matter. But in this point of my life, my thought on myself, rather than others’, concerns me more. That’s why I’m not bothered by my spending an extra year at college (the only reason for being sorry for it is because my parents have to pay more). If I was too concerned about people’s opinion, constant nagging from family friends and relatives, asking me when I’ll graduate, would be more than enough to get on my nerves. Right now, above all else, I’m more concerned about what I’m going to be, what I’m going to do, what I expect from myself; the questions that often frustrate you and can make you feel pretty angry and disturbed most of the times. Overall, a bunch of very egocentric thoughts, just like the songs that I’ve been recently listening to.

An article I’ve read a few days ago stated that it’s usually the “educated” people who are being more egocentric. The writer mentioned that the initiation which marked one’s completion of formal education, known as “graduation”, is a pointless, not to mention a waste of money, ritual. He also said that holding a graduation ceremony brings no good and only increases one’s selfishness. But I’m starting to talk outside the context here. The guy is basically criticizing people for being such selfish b****rds who think of nothing but themselves (only, not in so harsh words). And I, being one myself, is going to say that once in your life, you really need to be a selfish b****rd. For once in our lifetime, we should think deeply about our true essence of living, our true-self, not us as a member of a society or in relation to other people. And THAT, in my opinion, is an egocentric deed that needs to be done. Only when we’re able to do that, and find the answer, that we would be able to move on and live our life happily, and in the end, being able to give something to others as well. Of course, the questions need to be answered. If not, we’ll end up spending a meaningless life (the perfect song that I think describe the situation pretty well is “No Surprises”, another impressive work of Radiohead). Do you think rich people who earned their wealth by stealing and cheating (money grabbing capitalist would fall perfectly in to that category) are happy because they’re rich? I don’t think so. They may think that they’re happy, but only in the conscious level. They’re so lost; they think that money can buy happiness.

So, is it wrong to be an egocentric youngster?