The Fear

Some books I didn't finish reading at first attempt. It's either because they're difficult, boring, or there were other more interesting book at hand at that particular time. Amongst those, my greatest victory was The Name of the Rose. Looking back, it's amazing that I managed to finish that book at all, given my limited knowledge about 15th century Europe politics and the rotten (Indonesian) translation. But I did. I simply gave up with The Silmarillion. I kept forgetting who's who that reading it was not fun anymore. Such creation myth is better left as an oral composition, period. (And I know Professor Tolkien was really trying to construct a new Anglo Saxon myth of some sort.)

A House for Mr. Biswas is a difficult one too, in its own way. One doesn't need to know much about Trinidad or Indians in the island to enjoy the book. It doesn't have that many characters either. It's like having my worst nightmare spread open before me.

Mr. Biswas, the story main character, is your average Joe. He's like you and me. There's nothing remotely interesting about his life--his job is boring, he's not crazy about his wife and children, he's cynical about many things yet he couldn't do anything to change them, he has no particular achievement worth mentioning.

Reading the book scares me because I'm afraid that's the direction I'm heading right now in my life. Obscurity. Purposelessness. Simply going through the motions of living.

Don't get me wrong. Fearing obscurity doesn't mean that I'm eager to be famous or that I'm seeking for somebody else's acceptance. That's not it. I'm afraid that my life would be meaningless. Most people live without the knowledge that their existence means nothing, that whether they lived or not doesn't make any difference, that they'll soon be forgotten. I recognize this possibility and that's why I'm scared to death. I dread a mundane life like that of Mr. Biswas'. But can mine be any different?

Note: In case you're wondering, I'm still reading A House for Mr. Biswas. This is my third attempt.