Ever since the COVID-19 pandemic hit, I've felt like anxiety has been one constant factor in my life. I'd be remiss if I failed to mention that most of the time, I feel pretty chill actually, fine even, but this uncomfortable, nagging feeling that something wrong is bound to happen sooner or later has always been there under the surface.
The curious thing about the pandemic was that as terrible as it was, it also gave me this weird sense of camaraderie with the human race. The uncertainty of it all was excruciating, sure, but the fact that everyone was in it together gave me the belief that we're going to come through. Everything was going to be okay.
Now, four years on (yes, for all intents and purposes I consider 2020-2022 as one time unit), that belief is gone and what is left is dread without recourse. People are bombing the shit out of each other, the domestic economy is tanking, and it came to a point that whenever I didn't feel particularly bad about anything, my brain would scream, This is a coping mechanism! You should be worried!, which would lead me to start worrying, which in turn would make me feel guilty because objectively speaking, I am fine. I have a roof over my head, I'm debt-free, I have money to live on. What I don't have, or rather, have lost, is the ability to hope for a better future. Even the act of hoping itself seems irresponsible.
And while we're being objective here, I know that there are too many factors outside my control so it's useless to mull over them too much, and that it's better to focus on what I can do. Something along the lines of do your best and let God do the rest, if you're more religiously inclined. But therein lies the problem. I do believe in God, but I don't trust myself. At all. It's downright miraculous how often I got the help that I needed in the eleventh hour, seemingly almost without any active attempt on my part. I don't think I earned or deserved this relatively smooth-sailing life, and I'm afraid that it's only a matter of time before everything falls apart.