The Mysterious Undertone

Like many Indonesians, I’m familiar with more than one language. For me, they are Indonesian, Sundanese, Javanese, and English. I understand Sundanese and Javanese well, but I very rarely use them due to the courtesy hurdle. Instead of speaking Sundanese and/or Javanese and ends up offending someone for not using the proper word, I’d rather not speak at all. I have no such problem with English, which is more egalitarian in nature. As for Indonesian, it’s my mother-tongue and I always feel comfortable using it.

The funny thing is, and it’s not something that I’ve just noticed recently, when it comes to express my feelings in written form, I prefer English to Indonesian. The writings which represent me more are my English ones, not the Indonesian (a fact which was reaffirmed by a friend). Using English, I feel more “loose.” Let us say that as far as my writings are concerned, Indonesian is Dr. Jekyll and English is Mr. Hyde.

If medieval psychology were to be believed at, I would fall into “phlegmatic” type. The type who has phlegm dominating her body humoral composition and thus, choked by phlegm, maintains a quiet manner. That’s right. I remember at class discussion, I would often disagree with what the speaker was talking about. Most of their explanations afterwards (in reply to my questions) were unimpressive and far from convincing, but I never pressed the matter further. I didn’t fancy open myself up completely, even when it was in a superficial environment like a classroom. Plus, arguing would be too bothersome.

Umm, what does it have to do with my writings, you say? Everything. I’ve lived all my life in Indonesia and speak in Indonesian. And the aforementioned classroom episode is a good example of how I present myself in the Indonesian community where I live in. Writing in Indonesian is pretty much the same like talking to (Indonesian) people in real life. I’ll keep up my cool, unbothered, peace-loving composure no matter what, even in my writings.

English is completely different. When I’m writing in English, it’s as if I’m freed from all the confines of the society in which I live now. I criticize, curse, and lament in English with no hesitation. I might understand what English words and expressions mean, but I’m detached from the underlying “feel” of the language. For example, I could say the F word out loud when cursing, without flinching, because even though I know that it’s taboo, I couldn’t feel the insolence underlying the word. That’s because I’m not socialized in/with English. Writing in English, I could open up, but at the same time, not opening up myself entirely.

I bet you’re feeling dizzy now.