In Retrospect 10/22/2007 10:14:00 PM

Hate and grudge are not my style. When bad things happened or people offended me, I seldom blamed the situation or vouched to take revenge. I’d be upset for some time, that’s for sure, but the anger would dissolve in no time.

Nevertheless, there are certain episodes which I find hard to forget and forgive. My junior-high teacher who laughed at me for criticizing his use of a grammatical term. Another teacher--this one from high school--who said to my face that with my understanding, I wouldn’t be able to pass the university entry exam. A friend who made a joke about my working-at-home status. By now, I know there’s no reason for me to hold a grudge against any of them. That junior high teacher wasn’t exactly qualified in linguistics, I managed to get to first-rate university, and my friend was simply joking. Yet, I can’t help being furious every time those events come to mind.

See something in common? In either case, whether intentionally or not, those people have looked down on me. I went “Aha!” when I realized it--being looked down on, apparently, was (and still is) what I hated the most. If I was belittled, the whole “hate and grudge are not my style” wouldn’t apply.

Despite that, my resentment at being looked down on is an important factor that influences my character. Although I don’t particularly enjoy having people put their attention at me, I never hesitate sharing my knowledge and thoughts about miscellaneous stuff (from World History to my personal goals) to anyone who would care to listen. Sometimes, I keep rambling even though I’ve noticed their bored or dubious look.

I think, sub-consciously, I wish for people to know my “impressive” intellectual qualities. If they do, there’ll no complaint about my being dumb or incapable and therefore, I will not be looked down on.

Inconvenient the feeling might be, I don’t feel like letting it go. Strange as it sounds, the fear and resentment at being looked down on have helped shaping me--and I love what I’ve become.

Author’s Note: Don’t tell me that “It was rooted at your childhood” because I know that already. Gosh! Amazing how good you can be at pseudo-psychology after watching too much Oprah.

For the Greater Good 10/14/2007 06:44:00 PM

Consciousness. Whether it’s God-given or socially constructed is debatable, but whatever the case is, it’s there. That small voice that warns us when something doesn’t seem right. A constant reminder of what should and shouldn’t be done.

All’s fair in love and war, so it’s said. Still, be it in times of war or for the sake of love, your consciousness doesn’t let you go away easily when you do something which is not normally considered “good”. A series of questions will bug you endlessly: Have I done something wrong? Was it the right thing to do?

Killing, for example. I believe that human beings are compassionate by nature. Therefore, putting an end to somebody else’s lives is beyond reason. Strangely, men have proven capable of ending so many lives without remorse throughout the course of time. The Crusade, the atomic bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Cambodian Killing Field--those were just a selected few.

When you look at it carefully, most--if not all--mass killings were based on “grand reason”. Most executioners didn’t kill a large number of people because they enjoyed it. In contrast, they did it for a reason far greater than themselves--national stability, world peace, the blessing of God.

Let’s reflect on their logic: “I don’t want to kill people. I shouldn’t kill people. But God punishes the heretics. Therefore, it’s alright if I kill the heretics. Therefore, I’m not deemed guilty if I kill the heretics.” Change the lines “God punishes...” with “the Japs killed my fellow countrymen in Pearl Harbor and caused sufferings in many parts of the world, etc” or “the revolutionaries caused national instability and divided our country, etc”, and the outcome will be the same. Actions which are scandalous in normal circumstances become more acceptable--even advisable--when you do it for the greater good.

Conscious-generated guilt is more powerful than any coercion or criticism put forth by others. They must believe with all their heart that they’re doing all the “bad” things for the greater good. Because, otherwise, it might be impossible for them get a good night sleep ever again.

Obsessed 10/02/2007 11:00:00 AM

It’s official. I’m crazy. I mean, how do you call someone who’s mooning over a fictional character for a whole week? A fictional character, for God’s sake! That’s definitely crazy on my book!

I’ve known for a long time that I tend to take trivial things (or at least that’s how most people perceive them to be) seriously. Like the time I searched for Harry Potter essays on character analysis and the story's prediction. Or that time when I looked for HaiSoccer’s Manchester United special issue in every corner (quite literally) of the town. See what I mean?

As my friend Lala kindly put it--being the kind person that she is--I’m very determined when it comes to my hobbies. Too bad that my hobbies--or rather, things that I’m OBSESSED with--only revolve around books, anime/manga, and football instead of something more spectacular like finding a cure for cancer.

The challenge now, is to find out the constructive side of my hobbies. Imagine that, fulfilling my obsession while at the same time giving something of importance to people. It'll be a dream coming true.

Until that can be found, for the time being, I’m merely a crazy obsessed fangirl. Plain crazy.