In Retrospect

Hate and grudge are not my style. When bad things happened or people offended me, I seldom blamed the situation or vouched to take revenge. I’d be upset for some time, that’s for sure, but the anger would dissolve in no time.

Nevertheless, there are certain episodes which I find hard to forget and forgive. My junior-high teacher who laughed at me for criticizing his use of a grammatical term. Another teacher--this one from high school--who said to my face that with my understanding, I wouldn’t be able to pass the university entry exam. A friend who made a joke about my working-at-home status. By now, I know there’s no reason for me to hold a grudge against any of them. That junior high teacher wasn’t exactly qualified in linguistics, I managed to get to first-rate university, and my friend was simply joking. Yet, I can’t help being furious every time those events come to mind.

See something in common? In either case, whether intentionally or not, those people have looked down on me. I went “Aha!” when I realized it--being looked down on, apparently, was (and still is) what I hated the most. If I was belittled, the whole “hate and grudge are not my style” wouldn’t apply.

Despite that, my resentment at being looked down on is an important factor that influences my character. Although I don’t particularly enjoy having people put their attention at me, I never hesitate sharing my knowledge and thoughts about miscellaneous stuff (from World History to my personal goals) to anyone who would care to listen. Sometimes, I keep rambling even though I’ve noticed their bored or dubious look.

I think, sub-consciously, I wish for people to know my “impressive” intellectual qualities. If they do, there’ll no complaint about my being dumb or incapable and therefore, I will not be looked down on.

Inconvenient the feeling might be, I don’t feel like letting it go. Strange as it sounds, the fear and resentment at being looked down on have helped shaping me--and I love what I’ve become.

Author’s Note: Don’t tell me that “It was rooted at your childhood” because I know that already. Gosh! Amazing how good you can be at pseudo-psychology after watching too much Oprah.