Trying to be Honest with Myself

My last year at college. Hopefully. I should’ve (and could’ve) graduated this year. My mistake, I was too hesitant to decide a “somewhat important matter” (discussing the details just makes me distressed, so I wouldn’t). But at least it gives me an extra year to think deeply about my plan for the future.

I’m majoring in Pharmaceutical Sciences in college and as a consequence, I was expected to become a pharmacist. The funny thing about our education system here in Indonesia, after studying Pharmaceutical Sciences for around four years, one doesn’t automatically allowed to practice as pharmacist. You’ll get a Bachelors Degree in Pharmacy, but in order to be legally acclaimed as a pharmacist, you must take some sort of “professional education program” for two semesters. Technically, you can choose whether to attend the education program or not. Probably 98% of those who had received Bachelors Degree in Pharmacy continue to take the program. Since it’s a natural thing to do, people (family and friends) expect me to take the program as well, and that is where the dilemma comes from.

I know for sure that becoming a pharmacist is a very noble thing. I mean, you’re actually involved in people’s well-being! Unfortunately, I’m not into it. You may ask then, why on earth did I choose to study Pharmaceutical Sciences in the first place? Well, there are two main reasons and they’re the lowest motives one could have. The university where I study is one of the best and most prestigious university in the country. The point that attracted me was the “most prestigious” part. People show more respect towards the students of my university than other universities and it’s good to be respected. I know, it’s very pathetic. What is the point in getting somebody else’s respect? I mean, those who crave for respect clearly are people who lack self-confidence and/or those who don’t deserve to be respected (I think I fall into the first category, as a teenager). And there’s the money issue. Going to college means you’ll be able to have “a decent job” (a job that enables you to get loads of money, that is) after you graduate, that’s the common view here in my country. I wasn’t immune to that sort of view. In my country, it’s easier to get a job when you studied Pharmaceutical Sciences in college than, say, Physics. Ignoring the psychological test result which stated that I didn’t fit into medical-related job, I applied to Pharmacy Department in the university anyway.

Now, here I am. Twenty-two, almost finishing college, but have no idea whatsoever about the future. Of course, I can take the easy way and do what people are expecting me to do: taking the professional education program, becoming a pharmacist, and working in the pharmaceutical field. But I know deep down that I will not be happy, not in the long term. The thought of ending up in a boring life and accepting everything that life thrown at you (“No Surprises” everyone?) is just dreadful. So, what do I want to do, then? Things that I love doing, that’s the answer.

Of course, there are certain things that I’ve been interested in since I was a kid. History, for example. I always enjoy watching historical documentary program on TV. You know, the ones about ancient Egypt or the 1965 coup d’etat attempt in Indonesia. It may not be in the same extent showed by my brother (who’s studying History in college, and have been fully dedicated to it since he was very, very young). But still, those things are more interesting to me than a documentary about, say, new drug discovery. I even wanted to be an archeologist when I was in third grade. Reading/writing, that’s another thing. Blame my parents for that. They bought and read me children’s books and magazines since I was three, so it’s only natural if I end up as a bookworm. As for the writing part, I have to admit that I’m not very good at it, simply because lack of practice. I wrote a lot when I was in primary school, I even wrote a play when I was in fourth grade (although it’s never performed). But basically, I like reading and writing just as much.

History – writing – reading. A job that would enable me to combine all those things would be perfect. Like being a “National Geographic” correspondent, for example (yeah, keep on dreaming mate!). Well, at least I’ve walked the first step. Being honest with myself. I hope I’ll have the courage to keep on going.